Pain, it rips us apart and leaves us trying to frantically put ourselves back together again. With my recent loss, of someone so close to me it immediately brings tears to my eyes. I wanted to glue all the broken pieces back together again because I wanted to desperately feel back to my normal shiny positive self. But life doesn’t work like that. I’m learning that it’s ok to cry. To open your heart and be vulnerable to strangers who see the hurt in your eyes. It’s ok to catch yourself laughing and then tell yourself that it’s wrong to be laughing so soon after a loss. I’m learning to Feel it. Give in to it. Get lost to it. In the midst of sorrow and pain there is something so mystical and beautiful about it, however, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is just yet.
I have been healing at The Ark in Ubud I needed my space, my own time to process everything and to just sit by myself. It hasn’t been easy. I have never lost such a dear person to me before.
I wish these could be words full of happiness and positivity but the truth is the pain I feel right now is excruciating, I Feel so sad and so empty.
These last few days have been the hardest of my life. I’ve suddenly had to deal with a great loss in my life. I’ve seen death from a distance before but never has it been this close to me. Being in the other side of the world from my family and friends obviously makes it even more difficult. Words of comfort such as be strong, they are in a better place don’t seem to ease the pain of never seeing your loved one again. At least not in this life. So I am curious from my heart how people who have been through this tremendous amount of pain see the light, I know the light is where it’s just very foggy right now. How to cope and how to know and believe everything will feel better. I have come to @thearkbali by myself for a few days for space and clarity. I am trying to put back together the pieces of my heart that feel like they have been smashed into thousands of shattered pieces that can not be fixed back together again. On the other hand, I have started to wonder about death itself and what it truly means. We think of it as such a terribly dark time, such a devastating thing to happen and of Course, it is. But beyond that, there must be more. At least I think there is. At least I hope.
It has been a few weeks since the passing and I thought I would share some clarity that has helped me.
FEEl them emotions, let them all come to you and let them pass, which they will and they will come back again but don’t fight it. My eyes were red raw for days, I couldn’t go to a shop or restraunt without bursting in to tears but its ok to feel.
Keep active. I went to the gym the morning I found out, whilst I didn’t stay long it helped me focus on something else besides my sadness for a while.
Find a creative outlet. I haven’t journaled in a few weeks but it made me write my feelings down again. It helps you let everything out and digest your thoughts. I hope this helps someone who feels the way I do. Feel free to always DM me on Instagram if you want to chat.
Love & light,
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Pictures from http://www.thearkbali.com/